Diary of a Home Educating Nobody

01

How will it all end? How will it all turn out?

This Home Educating business; what will become of our children whom we have removed from a way of educating that millions of others think is right?

How many times do we ask ourselves that unnerving question when we’re having a down day or the neighbours have just flashed another load of their children’s fantastic exam results in our faces!

If only we had the security and comfort of knowing the answer to that!

Of course, we’d be asking the same question if our children were in school. But we’d have security and comfort from the fact that the path we followed had already been tramped smooth by thousands of others and they’d turned out okay – well – some of them did anyway!

But where do we as HEers find confidence and comfort? When we’ve decided to follow a route so rarely taken there is no clear path at all, which so few have trodden before we’ve no idea if it will turn out okay. A route where each individual has more or less to forge their own path.

This is the biggest hurdle HEers have to face – finding the confidence to forge a path of one’s own. When we’ve really no idea where’s it’s going to end!

We are starting our sixth year of HEing (and I know that’s not nearly as long as some of you), and I don’t know how we ever had the confidence to carry on through the past five years without knowing where it will all end. And as I write these diaries, hopefully to give everyone out there support and encouragement to do what they instinctively feel is right for their children when school clearly is not right, I wonder what stories I can tell you that will help.

What stories would have helped me, I wonder, when I was so lacking in confidence?

It would have helped me so much if families who had been through stages I hadn’t reached had written in and shared their experiences. How they got into the world of work or further education, particularly if they decided not to do standard qualifications. (Just like Amie did in the last issue – thanks for that Amie, it was great). If families whose children have reached adulthood told us how they got there and if it turned out okay.

But meanwhile, what can I tell you to help you have confidence in the fact that everything will be okay?

It might help you to know that like many others we tried several ways of running our days. We remain flexible, changing often.

It might help you to know that we constantly reassess our objectives for our children. For example; what balance do we want between skills practice, qualification getting, or educating for a happy fulfilled lifestyle, both in the future and now while our children are children. We regularly ask ourselves these questions and review our overall objectives.

It might help you to know that we’ve gradually changed our belief that education can only take place in schools, can only happen if one is taught, and ends at eighteen. We now know that none of that is true! We now know that education takes place all the time, in a variety of places, during contact with a variety of people.

It might also help you to know that during the past five years our children have resisted writing, resisted teaching, looked at the telly and other screens a lot, spent a lot of time playing or doing what they pleased, and there was never a time when we formally taught like they do in schools.

BUT they can now read and write and understand numbers. And at the risk of boasting I would say they are articulate and intelligent and sociable just like all the other HEing children we meet. They can be self-motivated and directed, focussed and hardworking at times, but they definitely aren’t all the time and it would be ridiculous to expect it anyway. Children in schools spend very little of their school day paying attention!

Our eldest who sobbed desperately over her maths when she first came out of school now wants to do a GCSE course and admits she likes it. What did we do? I don’t know – I think we kept out of it! Except just kept boosting personal confidence.

Our youngest, who resisted reading because it was so painful, can now read. What did we do? I kept a lid on my anxiety (well – I did barrage friends with it – I think they’d testify to that!), stopped forcing her to read like schools make us think we have to, and allowed her to come to it in her own time and way. In small drops, by magazines, computer games, stories and all the normal interaction with words any family has in their day.

My children are no angels or saints. They balked and argued and fell out and lazed and resisted in between doing things. Probably more than doing things!

But now, five years on, wherever that ‘end’ is, I know we’ll get there. For once I stop panicking about what might be going on along that other route forged by millions, (which we’re not following), and keep an eye on our path I can see it happening.

I know that actually HEing cannot fail. It cannot fail because our children are bound to become educated because it’s already happening, all the time. As we interact with them and others, converse with them and others, go places, do things, stimulate and encourage activity, and set an example we wish them to follow – like being interested in everything. Which most of them just can’t help – they do this naturally. It’s part of the make up of children.

So the answer to the question – where will it all end?

It will end wherever you and your family want it to go. And maybe it doesn’t have to have an end anyway. It is certainly not a race or a competition to get to a finishing line at eighteen.

Just trust. Have faith. Don’t let the fact that just because millions of others choose to follow a well-trodden route it is going to end in tears if you don’t go that way too.

Many of us have a gut feeling that schools aren’t good for our kids – I would guess that actually millions of parents whose kids are in schools have that gut feeling too. It’s just that they’re not as brave as you are – they’re not prepared to tread a new path!

Keep thinking about your objectives. Keep thinking what you want for your children in terms of their health and happiness as well as their education and it’ll be okay!

Remain flexible. And watch. Your children are becoming educated before your very eyes – they just can’t help it!

02

There’s a fight going on in the kitchen! So I’ve come out of the way.

It’s not a physical fight. Yet! Only very unpleasant accusations and name calling as my two children fall out over something trivial – as usual – so I’ve buried my head in some papers pretending it doesn’t bother me, when of course it does. And I can’t even not listen because I need to make sure for my own peace of mind that there’s not going to be bullying, abuse, or blood drawn!

I don’t know about you but for me sibling conflict is one of the most wearing things we have to deal with, our children being at home and under one another’s feet all the time. It stresses me out, churns my stomach, and gets me to boiling point especially when I get involved.

So I’ve come out of the way, trying not to get involved, because I’ve found that getting involved actually tends to make it a whole lot worse.

Not getting involved is as hard as having chocolate in the house and not eating it. It’s very tricky! But there’s no doubt that the less fuss I make the better it will be for everyone. Better for me because getting involved is going to mean being torn in two and inevitably raising my blood pressure – probably by screaming! And better for them, as the last thing they need is another shrieking and irrational participant to fan the flames.

But another reason I don’t get involved is because I think the children have to be able to close these disputes themselves. To be able to take themselves forward from being stuck in a bog of conflict, to be able to compromise, to be able to deal with unpleasant feelings associated with not getting their own way, and to be able to see that there are ways of living together satisfactorily even when they don’t get their own way. And if they can do that themselves, rather than have me sort it out for them, then they have a valuable life skill for their future.

Now, there’s no way an infant can do this. Children have to be at a certain stage before they can understand the idea of non-ego-lead behaviour and be able to see beyond always getting their own way and having control over others. Because that’s what most disputes are about – someone wanting control over someone else. And, if I’m honest, that’s probably the only reason I want to get involved; because I want control too!

(It’s gone suspiciously quiet in the kitchen. At the moment I can’t tell if it’s a sinister quiet or an amicable quiet! I’ll go and have a look in a minute.)

Wanting control is usually why kids fall out. And that’s why I often fall out with them too! That’s probably why all parents fall out with their kids. Simply over control issues.

Parents want kids to do things the kids don’t want to do. Or kids want to do things their parents don’t want them to do. Or children want their parents to do things they don’t want to! And often, when we look honestly at our reasons for requiring things of our children, they are more about us just wanting our own way than other issues!

Obviously there are always health, safety and sanity issues! But I think many of us parents actually use those issues as an excuse just to have that bit of extra control. And we sometimes use education as an excuse too – just as schools do!

Schools, and some parents, sometimes use education as a way of keeping control over children. Education can be used as a dire threat. E.g. ‘do your writing or you’ll never get anywhere in life’. A statement which is just not valid! Adults, especially those in schools, assume a position of superiority and control by making out that education is some mysterious thing that only they can possibly know anything about! Which is simply not the case.

Children in school have the minimum amount of say (if any) in anything. They must feel so completely at the mercy of everyone else and there’s nothing worse than that for making you feel angry and frustrated. It’s no wonder some of today’s teenagers do some of the things they do.

Obviously, some characters like to be controlled. Like to have others lead the way. That’s part of some peoples’ make-up. But I would guess many don’t. And it’s no wonder that trouble arises, that children vent these feelings of pent-up frustration on whoever’s available and the easiest to bully. With the pressures of control from parents, teachers, schools, an over prescriptive education, and an exam system that threatens children with written-off life should they fail them, it’s no wonder children either get into trouble or crumple from it all.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t care for, attend to, or have input into our children’s lives. What I’m trying to say is, that under the guise of caring for and educating them - and as HEers we do care in such a big way - we perhaps don’t need to have as much control as we think we do. Even over the content of their education.

I believe that most children are intelligent enough to understand that sometimes parents have good reasons for wanting them to do what we ask of them. That’s is, of course, IF we do have good reasons and don’t just want our way because it’s easier!

And children also have good reasons for wanting to do what they do. And as long as they feel listened to, have opportunities to have their say over their own activities, they are then more willing to compromise and to allow others to be in control of them.

And sometimes, the children even manage to practise compromise on each other – although right now, in the kitchen, might not be a good example of one of them! Actually, now that I’m listening, they’ve stopped falling out and have moved onto working together and every now and then there’s a squeal - this time of laughter!

I’m quite sure if I’d gone in there out of my need to control the situation this wouldn’t have been the outcome. Bedrooms might have been the outcome (and that’s just me bossing them around again)! And there would be sulking – not only from the children!

It is a good job I kept out of it. And as far as I can tell no one’s bleeding!

Ross Mountney.

03

Do you get stressed with planning sometimes? Do you think you’re being neglectful if you don’t have an educational plan? Do you get worried sick your children will never learn anything if you haven’t planned it all out?

Me too!

Here I sit racking my brains for a plan to make conditions most favourable for my children to learn. Things like; the children not being tired, no distractions; everyone having been fed, had drinks, emptied their bladders and all the usual procrastinations all children think up when they don’t really want to do something! The telly being off and there not being other things around to disrupt concentration like the cat fiddling with an escaped piece of pasta under the fridge, or a tantalising bit of Lego just asking to be played with. And finally investing in some nice attractive resources that look so appealing the children are bound to want to learn! (Dream on…)

And I SO wish they responded to all my organising without continually questioning! Resisting. And arguing! It would be so much easier! So much easier if my HEing was just like the National Curriculum, all nicely packaged in stages and levels and timetables and graded workbooks that all followed a reassuring predetermined plan!

But the reality is that most children don’t respond to learning best in that way. Deep down in my heart I know that type of education might be very convenient, but it fails to acknowledge the other type of education; the unplanned stuff, which is so incredibly valuable. The spontaneous moments when so much learning goes on. And a little while ago I had an example of just that.

Try as I might I hadn’t been able to motivate the children to do anything remotely academic all week, despite my plans. I’d thought we ought to since it’s increasingly rare in our house! I’d wandered about all day Friday thinking we ‘should do’ something educational yet we were mostly outside since it was a wonderful day and far too good to be in. (– you’ll know the excuse!) My youngest child, who takes to anything such as writing like a fish takes to dry land, had been entertaining herself vigorously and physically, just happy to be outside. On Saturday she had a friend over and they were so busy, again outside. So by 7.30 she was pretty exhausted and opted to go to bed. Amazing really since bedtime even at nine o’clock was usually a fight! So I read to her for half an hour while her eyelids drooped then left her to sleep. Immediately I went downstairs she got up, came down, plonked herself down in front of the television with teddy and announced she was going to write a book!

Oh yea! I thought; this being a child who usually required thumbscrews to get her to write anything and that’s only if I switch the telly off.

But do you know what? She did! She sat there all through my programme asking me how to spell words every five seconds. When ever I looked towards her she seemed to be staring at the screen yet she carried on writing and asking, writing and asking, while I gave up on the documentary and went onto trivia, and she went on to write a whole page.

So much for planning the perfect conditions for learning! Here she was, being distracted by the telly, dead tired after a busy two days, cuddly toys all around to tempt her, yet she wrote more than she’d ever done in her whole life! And she wrote more the next day. More in front of the telly. More in the car. More at the meal table. More at bed time. She wrote and wrote whatever the conditions. I couldn’t believe it. Writing anything had nearly always resulted in tantrums, often from us both (some of which I think you’ll have read about!) Then here she was happily writing a book. Who am I to say which conditions are perfect for learning and developing skills?! And to top it all she was so pleased with her achievement – she’s never pleased with anything I force her to write!

Meanwhile my teenager decided to spend her weekend catching up on her self-set timetable. This was because we were away the following week and she didn’t want to fall behind on projects which she wanted to achieve by a certain time. Her timetable was not something that I’d advocated. She took it upon herself, after discussions about achieving her aims.

How does this happen, I ask myself? How does it happen that after all my worrying about my children’s education not going to plan they’re getting educated! After worrying about my child not doing enough writing she suddenly writes a book? After all my years of worrying about my teenager not doing nearly enough to stretch her, she’s suddenly working on a weekend? How does it happen that despite all my planning and brain-wracking to try and make conditions ideal for learning, they learn without it! What plan was that?

That’s the point I suppose. It wasn’t a plan! But what it is, is a reflection of how HE works at its very best. How HE enables us to exploit all those unplanned moments when so much good stuff is going on.

We must try not to worry when we have no plan because actually, even in all those unplanned, seemingly idle moments, education is still taking place.

Instead of worrying let’s try to remember that education, exactly like life, is not only valuable when it is planned. Or when it takes place in perfect conditions. Or at appropriate times. And there is definitely a case for us to guide yes, but at times to plan less. That way we take advantage of all those unplanned times when valid learning really is taking place.

Perhaps rather than planning to educate, we could plan to be flexible, take a deep breath, and plan to trust! For learn they surely will – whether we plan or not!

Ross Mountney.