Louise Parker

Louise is a home educator with a son aged 10 and twin sons aged 7.  This article relating to personal experience with her family was contributed in August 2002.

Socialisation

At the moment I have 12 children in my garden. They are shrieking with laughter because it’s raining hard and they have just discovered that the den they have spent the morning building has several leaks. Problem solving skills are coming to the fore between bouts of hilarity and a few cross words. Three of these children are mine, the rest, aged between 2 and 13 (along with various parents) are some of  their friends. Unlike most of the children, my boys don’t attend school. Surprising that they have so many friends? Maybe, if you had thought that children make most of their friends through school. After ‘Is that legal?’, ‘What about socialisation?’ is usually the second question I am asked when people discover that my children are home educated. It’s hard to remember a time when I felt this was a worry for us, but like most people, I did wonder if the boys would feel excluded and lonely. However, having met lots of children who go to school and still feel this way, I tend to see the problem more in terms of a parenting issue rather than an educational one.

I think there are several questions we could ask about the socialisation issue, so I’ll try to give some of my ideas about those which have cropped up for us. But first, I’ll give an overview of a fairly typical week for us now as far as socialisation goes, by describing the last week. This will give some ideas of the opportunities we’ve found for children to socialise outside of school.

On Monday, my seven year old twins attended a ‘Football Funday’ being run during the school holidays at our local sports centre. My eldest son and I were able to enjoy some valuable time together. After fetching the twins, my eldest son had his regular swimming lesson and then spent a couple of hours in the pool with the daughter of his swimming teacher who has become a friend of his. While this was happening the twins and I took a picnic tea to the outdoor paddling pool alongside the sports centre where they met up with various local kids they know from community activities. They then attended their regular evening football training session.

Tuesday was spent mostly at home, the children playing with their friends in the garden, and in and out of neighbours’ houses in various combinations. In the afternoon we had a visit from some home educating friends who we met through the UK-HE e-mail list and who’ve recently come to live locally. This family includes children between 5 and 16 years of age.

Wednesday was football again for the twins, my eldest son had a friend in to help with a woodworking project. He visited two different neighbours to ask for help or to borrow tools. In the evening, football training again, my eldest went for a swim with friends he’d arranged to meet. Later, all three attended the weekly gymnastics session which they enjoy. One of the twins was told off by the instructor for messing about with his friends when they should have been listening to her instructions. He was rather embarrassed and made an extra effort in his next attempt at the trampette.

Thursday was shopping day, the boys chatted to various local shopkeepers they have come to know. My eldest son chose to sit and read his book while we did the ‘boring’ supermarket shopping. The twins, as usual, enjoyed finding an attendant to help them find anything we couldn’t, and helping at the checkout while chatting to the lady about the Commonwealth Games. We had a barbeque when we got home, with various neighbours popping in.

On Friday we arranged to meet friends for a picnic at the paddling pool. In the evening we went to the ‘Rascals’ club at the sports centre. This was a fantastic find as it manages to please all of us! Those who want to can join in various sports in the hall. Mums and dads get to watch proceedings from the safety of the overlooking bar, and anyone fed up with sports can sit and watch TV, draw, play board games etc.

So, it’s been a busy week, some of these opportunities are as a result of the current school holidays, but most are regular events. Now to the questions all this would have raised for me when faced with a similar account at a time when I was considering home education.

Will my kids feel left out/weird/excluded?

This was a real worry for me. A lot of things I’d heard and read as a parent placed great importance on children feeling the same as others, feeling part of the crowd. I thought about this a lot, and as with most questions, many more cropped up. What happens to kids who aren’t the same as others? The kids who are too fat or too short or very shy etc and how will children learn to accept and enjoy each other’s differences if they are to strive to be part of a crowd? I have seen this in action over the years and I don’t want my children to sacrifice their opinions, preferences or personalities in order to fit in. However, neither did I want them to feel excluded or lonely. For us, not doing school has meant that the boys have been able to find their own place in various situations without having to become part of the group in order to survive. They have the choice and the confidence to be themselves, resisting outside pressure. They have also missed out on the idea that people should be excluded because of the way they look or how clever/stupid they are and naturally look for the potential friend in everyone they meet. In short, no, my boys haven’t felt this way. If they showed signs of doing so, I would need to think carefully about how to deal with it. This can be where having support from other home educators is invaluable.

Where will they meet people and make friends?

Of course, at all the places kids usually meet people outside of school. School is not the be all and end all of making friends after all. A little research goes a long way and I keep an eye on local papers, posters, leaflets at the sports centre, library, health centre. Often, local attractions, museums etc have workshops on offer, sometimes for home educators, often at weekends or during the holidays. Many national groups like Scouts, St John’s Ambulance, PHAB club will have local meetings.  Local councils may publish a leisure directory. I suppose the message is to get all the papers, directories, phone books you can and phone around. There will be a wide range of activities to suit various interests, incomes and ages. Then sit down and discuss which may be suitable. And I don’t think friends, family and other acquaintances should be discounted either. Home educated children tend to have friends from a wide range of age groups and sources, which, I think, more naturally encourages confidence and a high self esteem.

How will they learn social skills? How will they learn to work in a team?

I had to think long and hard here about what I actually meant by social skills and the answers were not as obvious as I had expected. Things like sharing, cooperation, manners are one thing and, I believe, are mostly learnt within the family whether children are schooled or not. There are children within schools with a wide variation of standards of these skills, which largely reflects the variation of expectations within families.

Other social skills I consider to be important are teamwork, initiating and building relationships, dealing with conflict, learning from experiences, and being assertive without aggression. I, personally do not see some of the social skills which are necessary in schools to be relevant to home educated children. Sitting still, passive listening, unquestioning obedience etc may be necessary to deliver a curriculum and safe environment to large numbers of children but are largely irrelevant once school ends and can inhibit the learning of life skills such as having the confidence to speak up, taking responsibility for one’s own learning, actions, health and safety and self discipline.

As well as taking part in sports and other team activities, I have seen my children acquire the above skills as a natural part of daily life. Our family is a team and each member must learn to be a team player. Everyday events such as shopping, budgeting, housework, car and home maintenance, as well as crises and problems are not things which magically happen while they are at school but shared experiences and opportunities for learning and growing. There is inevitably conflict with the differing needs of various family members and we find ways to deal with this. Rather than attempt to get along with the children who happen to be the same age as them, the boys must actively choose their friends, cultivate relationships and decide how to deal with any problems. However, there are also times when they must learn to get along with people they don’t particularly like. They have had to make choices about whether attending a particular activity is worth finding ways to deal with an individual who is causing problems. In short, we don’t live in a bubble, we live in a community with people from all age groups and walks of life.

Will other kids tease/exclude them? Will they be unable to stick up for themselves / deal with negative social experiences?

We’ve never had an incident of teasing or bullying because of being home educated. It’s valuable to learn that not everybody behaves well towards others and to find ways to deal with it. However, I am really pleased that my boys have the opportunity to deal with this with confidence and the choice to avoid people if they feel this is the best course of action. I was amused this week to see my son deal with a bully who took a ball from him and pushed him. He stood his ground, looked straight at the boy and shook his head with an amused look on his face. Quite taken aback, the boy reacted to this by apologising and giving the ball back.

What if they don’t want to go to any clubs or groups?

This was a worry for me with my eldest son. He isn’t keen on many sports and is a bit of a loner. He also suffers from Asperger's Syndrome, which can make socialising very difficult for him. Discussing this with other home educating parents, especially those with Aspergers children has provided lots of food for thought. The main point for consideration for me has been that if a child is happy and making progress how important is it that they take part in group activities? Is worrying about this simply a sign of my own assumption that children must have lots of friends and a busy social life? I realised that I knew plenty of adults who go through life quite happily with a few close relationships and deal quite happily with day to day social situations but, through choice, dislike crowds and group situations. It is certainly only in a school situation where we expect children to make friends with large numbers of people of exactly the same age as them out of no choice of their own. This has been the main point for us, choice. My son has made enormous progress socially and is growing into a well liked, well adjusted young man. He’s been able to do this because of the opportunity to socialise in his own time, out of choice and with the confidence of knowing that he can withdraw to safety if he feels unable to cope. He can then regroup and with support try again if he feels it will be worth it. The social activities he undertakes may not be the traditional ones associated with 10 year old boys but he is certainly able to interact with people of all ages. Like many aspects of life, home educated children are able to make progress socially in their own time and in a way suited to them, without the pressure of age related standards to live up to or fall short of.

What about birthday parties?

This is a, perhaps, surprisingly common and serious worry. We are so used to the idea of birthday parties which include whole classes of children, it can be difficult to see past the image of a desperately lonely child having a birthday party with no friends. Again, a little thought was needed for me about how much this worry was a result of an image which is largely untrue. From my own experiences and talking to other parents, I know that while many kids get invited to lots of parties, many do not and the feelings of exclusion can be very hurtful. We have avoided this totally it seems. It has just never been a problem, the boys go to the parties of a few close friends and are happy with that. As for their own birthdays, they are not really familiar with the whole class type of party so have been very happy with inviting how ever many friends they like or taking a few out for a treat. It is normal for our celebrations to include whole families and people of all ages rather than large numbers of same age children. Sometimes it can be a real treat to do something special with just mum or dad.

Will I be isolated without meeting other parents through school?

Of course the children’s social life is one thing, but we parents need people too! For some families, it can be the parents who start to feel isolated by home educating. Sometimes, established friends and even family can have a hard time understanding and supporting the decision to home educate and this can leave families in a difficult position. I have found that to most parents I meet through the various groups my children attend, home education is an interesting but brief conversation topic and we have more in common as parents than we have differences. For most families it is important to seek contact with other home educators in order to feel less isolated and to share ideas. Many gradually build up their own network of new friends through the EO contact list, internet lists and sites such as UK-HE, placing adverts in the local library and lucky conversations. Where there are established groups of home educators finding this network can be fairly easy but for a lot of people it takes time to establish what can be a whole new lifestyle.

In all of this there is one more point I would like to make. More than anything, home education has meant for my family the opportunity to spend the time together needed to truly get to know one another as individuals. To take up new hobbies and new interests together, earn each other’s respect and admiration and deal with problems together. Our friends are very important, but the heart of our social life revolves around enjoying each other’s company and learning to work as a team together. Building these strong relationships now will hopefully mean that my boys will have this strong base as they grow into adults and beyond. That, to me, is the most important social experience my children can have.