Ross Mountney

Ross and her husband have been home educating their two children aged 8 and 11 for 3 years.

Home Educated Children and Socialisation-

The Fear and The Fallacy!

One of the biggest fears of Home Educators and those considering it is the fear that their children will have no friends and not be able to integrate happily with people in groups.

This fear is the same for all of us! It is a very real fear. But perhaps it is unfounded.

For two reasons: one – we maybe haven’t given enough thought to how children become sociable and make friends. And two - we have been led to believe an enormous fallacy: that school is the only place they do it!

When we talk about socialisation – what do we want?

What the majority of us want, I guess, is for our children to have lots of friends, to be popular, to be able to mix and make friends, to be comfortable around people, in large or small groups. To be confident, able to talk to others comfortably.

And also – if we’re really honest – for them to behave nicely and be polite so we can be proud of them! To know what’s appropriate in given situations and act accordingly.

Not much really!

So how does this happen?

How do children learn to mix with others confidently and successfully?

Basically, children learn to mix and make friends by example. And by doing it!

It happens by children being given lots of opportunity to interact with others in a friendly, unthreatening, non-judgmental way. This is how they become comfortable and confident within the company of others.

It happens by demonstration – when children constantly see good social skills demonstrated to them.

It happens when children are given specific tips and skills, through discussion or example, to help them cope with difficult situations. Where children are listened to and conversed with.

It’s almost impossible for it not to happen when children are surrounded by people who have good social skills themselves! In a cross section of society, with people of all ages and from all walks of life.

Put like that, we can begin to wonder how children can possibly learn good social skills in a school environment, surrounded by hundreds of children who don’t know how to behave sociably anyway, who are threatened by competition and judgement! And by the very nature of the position teachers find themselves in, some of their behaviour isn’t sociable either!

The idea that children can only become sociable in school is a fallacy! We can turn that idea right round; they are much more likely to learn good social skills from being with a mix of sociable adults, more than with a mass of children. Although mixing with children is of course essential.

With the increasing number of home educators now, and support groups for us, there are plenty of opportunities for people to interact with others.

No one needs to home educate alone. No one needs to sit at home on their ownsome wishing they had someone to talk to. No one needs to be isolated with their child or children or fear they will never be able to socialise or have any friends. This just does not happen – not if you don’t want it to!

We have found that we socialise with others from groups and contacts all the time! In fact, some weeks, we’re doing that much socialising we have to book a time to stay at home and get some studying done. We have to book ‘alone’ time on our calendar along with the social engagements!

What about friends?

How do Home-Educated children find friends?

Remember: children do not only find friends in school. That is a fallacy we are led to believe.

Children find friends in all walks of life, all the time. It just so happens that school takes up such a large proportion of their everyday existence, school children rarely have other opportunities to do this. Once released from school and seeking out others doing the same, we have found our children have made all sorts of friends.

An organisation like Education Otherwise gives home educators wonderful opportunities to be with others and make friends. It gives a list of people willing to be contacted, pen friends for the children, details of local meetings and events and activities where home educators get together. This is a chance to make friends, get to know people, and find others doing the same as you.

There is no reason for anyone to be alone if they don’t want to!

The best opportunity is in going to local group get-togethers, where children meet others in groups for play, activities, or trips out, along with their parents. Most of these meetings are informal and allow opportunity for the children to integrate with whom they like, without fear or judgement.

Children of all ages, of both sexes, of a wide range of interests integrate happily. It is marvellous to see. And everyone is drawn together with a common bond.

This is how our own children have made many of their new friends since leaving school three years ago. And they also keep in touch with school friends and others in their community.

One of the things we have witnessed though, is the increased quality of these friendships. It’s as though the children now value each other so much more. Now they are released from the competitive and pressurised confines of school, where kids take or leave friendships on a whim and to be ‘in’ with the crowd is more important than loyalty.

Also, like other children in school or not, ours attend clubs and classes where they get together with others of a similar interest (eg, dance, riding, gym,). Friendships inevitably form. They are not segregated because they are ‘different’ and don’t go to school. Mostly other children are fascinated, even envious, of their lives.

Of course they have fall-outs too! But find me a child, in school or otherwise, who hasn’t experienced those! Their social education would not be whole without them, heartbreaking though they are!

Beyond the fear and the fallacy!

When we started out home educating we had the same fear as everyone else about ‘socialisation’. We were concerned that our children wouldn’t have friends, and that they wouldn’t mix, or be isolated.

Having worked in schools and seen the ‘social’ interaction of the children and adults there, having observed groups of home educated children, and experienced home education with our own two, I now understand something different about socialisation, beyond those initial fears. Now I have given it further thought.

Like most people, I thought ‘socialisation’ was something exclusive to schools. I now know this to be a fallacy.

I have now learnt socialisation takes place anywhere, all through our lives, at all times, any place, the more diverse the company the better!

In fact, it is often said that home-educated children are far more sociably mature than those confined to school. For the most part, we have found this to be true.

This is because of the wide variety of social interaction they have, because they are not in a threatening and judgmental environment day after day, and because they are usually attended by a high proportion of caring, well-behaved, sociable adults!

I also understand that for my children to have just a few loyal, caring, valued friends of their choosing, is far more fulfilling than having a mass of acquaintances they have been thrown together with. Where the survival of the fittest, cleverest, trendiest is more important than being good to one another!

My children, and most of the other home-educated children I know, have plenty of friends.

Those initial fears are completely unfounded.

Best of all; I have made some wonderful friends too, and enjoy caring, supportive, loyal friendships the quality of which is sometimes hard to match!