Sue Fairhead

Sue is a home educator who has her own website giving many well thought out, well presented articles on all aspects of home education.  Her pages on socialisation are reproduced here with permission.  To see more of Sue's articles, please click here

But there are often reservations about socialising, or 'socialisation'.   Are home educated children isolated from other children? Are they able to make friends with a wide variety of people?   Will they be able to fit into society as adults if they haven't been through the ups and downs of school life?  Do they become too dependent on their parents, and reluctant to go out to meet new situations and people?  What do we mean by socialisation anyway?

Being sociable

People, on the whole, are social creatures.   Being sociable is part of our nature.  If we allow children to develop in their own way, they will begin to relate to other people when they are ready.  Clearly children do need to meet people in order to be sociable, but home educators don't tend to be isolated from the community!  A child is just as likely - if not more so - to be sociable with one or two people he meets at home than with a class of 30 children who just happen to be the same age as he is. More importantly, he is far more in control of his social life than he would be in school. Parents - who know their children best - can observe, and encourage, and introduce a shy child to other people at relaxed times, in safe environments rather than forcing them into situations where they may become withdrawn, or angry, or upset.

Social skills

Social skills include culturally appropriate manners, knowing how to greet different people, and joining in conversations.  They are the ways we learn to relate to people in order to build relationships, and to be able to communicate and spend time enjoying company.  Our children will primarily learn their social skills and cultural expectations from their parents and those they see around them, so the most important thing you can do is to model the kind of behaviour you would like to see.

Home educated children are likely to meet a wide variety of people during the week. They may well find it interesting to see how, even within one neighbourhood, there are many different ways of behaving.  If you are comfortable with your own social skills, it is easier to discuss those of other cultures, and to adapt when appropriate.   Social skills are important so that you put other people at ease, and while some broad skills are culturally expected, many will vary from family to family even within the same culture group.  Children at primary schools may well develop other social skills - such as knowing when it is inappropriate to ask questions, or learning to when open doors for others, but unfortunately in many schools they also learn negative skills, such as how to pass notes without being seen, or how to bully those who are weaker.

Many people, can see that, academically, home education is likely to be an improvement on classroom teaching, if only because children have the chance to learn at their own rate, with one-to-one attention.    Research in the USA and elsewhere shows that home educated children tend to achieve academic goals easily, are welcome at university or vocational courses, and are easily able to think for themselves and learn anything they want to learn with confidence.

But there are often reservations about socialising, or 'socialisation'.  Are home educated children isolated from other children? Are they able to make friends with a wide variety of people?   Will they be able to fit into society as adults if they haven't been through the ups and downs of school life?  Do they become too dependent on their parents, and reluctant to go out to meet new situations and people?  What do we mean by socialisation anyway?

My dictionary defines socialisation as: 'the modification from infancy of an individual's behaviour to conform with the demands of social life.'

In a sense this is like a stronger version of 'learning to acquire social skills', but rather than learning through imitation and, perhaps, gentle reminders, 'socialisation' suggests deliberate behaviour modification.  The idea of sending a child to school - however good and friendly it might be - to learn to have his behaviour modified suggests firstly that parents have little influence, and secondly that all children should behave in the same way, all the time.  

The idea of expecting our children to 'conform' to the demands of social life, suggests that they should suppress their natural desires and beliefs, and conform to the majority. As a Christian, I believe it is wrong to conform to much of what goes on in the world; as home educators we are by definition non-conformist, since most families send their children to school.  It is far better, surely, to raise children who understand the reasons for social expectations and skills, and who are able to query things they disagree with, understanding fully the difference between moral issues and social or cultural issues.

Sociability in toddlers

In small children, sociability and friendliness are, first of all, a product of the child’s innate personality. One toddler may be shy and clingy, another - raised in the same way - outgoing and eager to meet new people. For more on this aspect of children’s personality, I recommend Paul D Tieger & Barbara Barron-Tieger’s book ‘Nurture by Nature'.  While it is a good idea for a child to have friends, both of his own age and older, the idea that he will suddenly become sociable when put into a group of other children is frankly ludicrous.

Watch any new group of young children: some will be obvious leaders, some will make friends at once, others will wait on the sidelines or become upset. Those who are already sociable will not become MORE so by being in a group, although they will probably enjoy it, and may well make new friends. However those who are not naturally sociable are likely to feel their shyness reinforced by such a group, and may become less likely to join in the next time. In a home educating environment, parents can truly consider the individual needs of each child and introduce other people as slowly or fast as appropriate.

Being sociable

People, on the whole, are social creatures.   Being sociable is part of our nature.  If we allow children to develop in their own way, they will begin to relate to other people when they are ready.  Clearly children do need to meet people in order to be sociable, but home educators don't tend to be isolated from the community!  A child is just as likely - if not more so - to be sociable with one or two people he meets at home than with a class of 30 children who just happen to be the same age as he is. More importantly, he is far more in control of his social life than he would be in school. Parents - who know their children best - can observe, and encourage, and introduce a shy child to other people at relaxed times, in safe environments rather than forcing them into situations where they may become withdrawn, or angry, or upset.

Socialising for young children

Some children, by the age of four or five, may be eager to get into a classroom, to find new resources and new adults to give them fresh ideas.  For such a child, nursery school and Reception class in a good school may well be an exciting adventure.  Very sociable children might well find home education lonely at times, particularly if they don't have brothers or sisters, or if there are no other children locally.  When looking at what is best for your child, it is very important to consider their personality and preferences socially, as well as academically.

But a shy child is not helped by having to spend time in a classroom where most of the other children are talkative and outgoing.   He might become labelled as ‘slow’, and begin to see himself as a misfit even at this age.  The best way to help a shy child to make friends is to introduce him, one at a time, to people within your own home.  He may relate better to adults than to other children.  This is not a problem! The idea of having to be friends with people of the same age is artificial and really only happens in schools!   As adults we don't choose our friends because they were born in the same year as we were - why should children be forced to do so?

Socialising for older children

Even quite shy children, if not pressurised to make friends, will gradually become more outgoing and able to carry on a conversation with other people.  Indeed, it's the shyer, observant child who is more likely to notice appropriate social skills in others and to imitate them.  The particularly extraverted child who never stops to think before speaking is more likely to offend people unintentionally than one who listens and sits quietly.  Being sociable may be a disadvantage when learning to develop social skills!

Home educated children often join local group activities, such as Scouting, sports teams, drama groups or orchestras.  These can be useful and relaxed ways of getting to know different people. If your child is reluctant to join in anything like this, it does not mean that he will be unable to make friends.  You will probably go shopping together:  try to use small shops, and chat with the shopkeepers.  You may visit the library: with home education, you have all the time you want, and can stop to ask questions and find out about the work that librarians do.  An elderly neighbour might appreciate spending time with a child, or you might know someone in hospital whom you could visit.  If you take your child to parks or swimming pools, he will come across other children and, unless they are unfriendly, he is likely to begin to want to relate to them.

You may also have a local home education support group, who might meet for craft activities together, or visit places of interest as a group.  To find out if there is one in your locality, contact one of the nationwide groups mentioned on my home education information page, or check the contacts pages on Free Range Education or Mike's home education site.  If you don't have a local group, you might want to organise one yourself.  My article 'starting a support group' goes into this in some detail.

NOTE by Webmaster - Information about groups can also be found here.  These will be only some of those groups who have organised web sites.  Details of all local groups can be found in the EO newsletter.